Blog No More

I've come to the conclusion that blogging is not in me any longer. Perhaps again some day down the road, but truthfully, now it seems to tug at me like an ill mannered, rambunctious puppy and less as a passion for me. I simply don't have the time nor the inclination it takes.

I would like to say a few words however, to those of you who have given me so much over the past two years. I know that it is hard to be distant, never to have met, and still imagine or think of someone as a friend, but this is certainly the case for me. I count all of you as friend. I don't know what it would of been like if it weren't for you and the support, the encouragement, even the love. It's certainly been a difficult year for me personally, but nothing compared to many of you. For all of you, I wish only the best. Please feel free to keep in contact via email. My box is always open. In addition, I will still be on Flickr, posting, commenting even visiting from time to time. If you ever wanna see what's happening, you can most certainly see over there.

It is something that I fear, losing touch with some of you. There is always that. I hope you will come to Flickr from time to time to check in. I guess that's all there is to it then. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Early Morning Blogging

Last night I learned that my grandfather (my Dad's Dad) was in the hospital. I found this out because I called home last night to check in with my parents. You know, say hi, how are you? What are your plans for the holidays? Standard stuff, right?

Okay, let me take a different tack here. My parents and I are close, but not the kind of close that has me or them calling every week. I don't know why this is, it just is. It does not diminish the bond or the feelings that I have for them, I love them with my whole being. Circumstance has made me distant most of my life and I think that is why we just leave it alone. We don't try to change the pattern.

So I call home to check in, make sure all is well. I assume that since I have not heard from them (in almost a month) that this is the case. Wouldn't you? I'm talking to them, getting the skinny on what they are up to, filling them in on what I'm doing and I ask them what they are doing for the holidays. I get silence. Only for a moment, but enough for my flag to go up. Mom starts to tell me that she's not sure, we don't have a plan. This is where they inform me of the current situation with grandad being in the hospital. I assumed that this was a new situation, but Mom informs me that this is not the case.

Here's the thing, grandad has been in the hospital for almost 20 days. I know this because Dad told me that Medicare will only cover 20 days of hospital stay and then he has to find alternative care after that such as a nursing home, assited living or, move in with my dad and mom. This week he has to make a decision about one of these options. His 20 days are about up. 20 days people!!!

Back story:
My grandfather and I have not spoken in over 12 years. We had a big blow out way back when. Part of it is because I'm gay, the other part is mostly because I'm gay. Alright, so the other part is that I won't play by his rules. He is very malicious about things and feels that we (his son, his daughter and his grandkids) owe him for our exisitence. I know, typical right? He makes my Dad's life hell and this is hard for me and my Mom. A long time ago I needed his help and for the first time in my life, I asked him for something. He agreed to help and then changed his mind after I left and said no. Instead of letting it go, I went back to find out why. No one confronts him, but I did. The things he said to me that day hurt me more than I thought possible, but I stood nose to nose with him literally and gave it right back. I walked out of his house and he swept the doorway as I left. This to me was his way of saying you are no longer allowed in my house. I have never spoken to him since that day.
End Backstory:

So the reason they don't have a plan is because they don't know if grandad is going to live with them or not. If he lives with them, they are worried that I won't come around while he's there. Mom is more upset about it than Dad I think and not just because of the fear of me not coming down.

So all the while they are giving me the low down, I'm still thinking to myself, how do you not call me and tell me that he's in the hospital, that he's been in the hospital for over 2 weeks? I know that we aren't close, but he's still my grandfather. Were you going to just wait to see if he died and then call me?

I woke up thinking about this, wondering what I have done. I can't help but think that the reason that they don't tell me these things is because they think I don't care. I know that it's not just me, but I also know that if I want things to be different, I have to make it happen. I deliberatly go with out calling them just to see how long they will wait to call me. Messed up right? It's true though. I have to decide how to go forward with this, but things need to change. I need to change. I'm coming up short on all charges lately. Did I tell you that I missed two family weddings this last year? Ya, it's true. One of them was this last weekend. I totally suck.

Less Blogging, More Blurbing

That's what I've been doing a lot of lately, less blogging and more blurbing, and not here, but on Flickr. It's just as random and nonsensicle as it is here so, stop by I guess if you feel inclined. :o) Feel free to leave a comment there if you want, or here.

I do have some posts to write to be sure, but right now I'm cramming for an exam, trying to accomplish the imposible with my job right now and working on putting the house back together.

Future posts include (more for me than for you, so I won't forget my ideas):
My Life with Harlow
Operation Take Back the Backyard (from the dogs that is)
Gopher Update

On the Phone at Work

Me: This is the nursery, how can I help?
Caller: Oh yes, hello, I was wondering if you have any Penis niggra.
Me: I'm sorry, what was that again?
Caller: Yes, sorry, I was wondering if you have any Penis niggra in stock and if so what sizes?
Me: I'm sorry, but do you mean Black Pine?
Caller: Yes, yes, that's what I'm looking for...Japanese Black Penis.
Me: Well, we do have a nice selection and various sizes available of Pinus nigra (Pynus nygra).
covers phone to laugh.
Caller: Oh wonderful, I'll be right in.

OY!!! That's right up there with the Chlamydia request last year.

My Bitches!!!

Just real quick...

We got new silverware this last weekend. It's all matching people. ALL. MATCCHINGG!!!
I never thought I would see the day that this would happen. Mostly because I thought we would never find something everyday that we both could live with. Of all the places that we could find something, it had to be COSTCO. WTF!?!? Anywho, isn't it shiney? So nice.

Old Patterns

How quickly I fall back into old habits, like not posting. It's not my intentions. I was re-reading some of my old stuff on H & the B's, and I can see a total difference in there and here, especially the early stuff. My voice, for lack of a better word, was so different. I was reflecting on that last night as I lay in bed trying to decide what to write about this morning. In the seconds before unconciousness, I realized that the problem or the conditions that are so different now, is time.

When I was a blogger in the beginning, I had an abundant amount of time, inordinant amounts people. At least 8hrs a day. In that time I could read other blogs, find inspiration for my own work. I think that's the missing ingrediant for my sense of gratification in writing. I don't have that kind of time to sit and think through my feelings about anything. I basically get up around 7am, sit down and start plunking and posting in time to be in the shower by 8:30 and out the door by 9am. I'm perpetually late to work because it takes me all that time to really get my thoughts out. It's 8am now...One whole hour to get to here. Okay, so maybe I didn't sit here that long, but I have to wake up, feed the bitches and kiss the mister goodbye before I ever get to sit down. The point is, I'm compressing my time here versus what I used to have to get it out.

Speaking of time...I'm going to have to go now. I'll be back later tonight to finish up, I hope.