Yesterday brought all the tension and pain; the confusion and the questions were answered. I'm still reeling from it and the outcomes. I broke up with Nick last night, but we are still together this morning.
I don't know how this is going to end yet, our lives are still so interconnected and the fact that we DO love each other as much as we do is what holds it all together. I reached my limit last night however and erupted with violent anger. No one was physically harmed, I stormed out of the house after throwing a laundry basket full of clothing from the dining room to the front door. In the five years of our life together, I have never been pushed to this point. My throat hurts from the yelling I did.
I'm ashamed of my behavior, I hate that part of myself. I've been so pushed down and lost for so long though, I had to fight for my life back. Last night I took it back, I made it clear that things would be different or they would stop. I have coddled, cajoled and even pleaded for him to tell me what is wrong, how can I make our lives better. It took an email to find out, but when I found out why, I couldn't believe the reason. It was too easy. Why would he keep that from me for over 2 years, if it was something that simple. I questioned it, even him. Still that was the answer. I lost it then. I was on a slow boil the whole day, just waiting for him to get home.
Love should never rob you of your life, your identity. Love should always imbue you with life, enhance your identity even transform it. Our love has gone from enhancement to life stealing. Somewhere along the way we lost ourselves, who we are apart as well as who we are together.
Today our lives start over.
9 comments:
Oh I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through.
But you are absolutely right: Love should NOT rob you of your life.
I hope that no matter how this turns out, that there is healing for you. You deserve to feel whole and loved for who you are, completely.
Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry, dear Gopher. I'll offer you hugs for now, and hopes for a good start, for both of you.
You know, it seems more often than not, relationships tend to make us bend rather than stretch. It'd be nice to know why that is. Do we bend to fit together and then forget to stand back straight on the strength we've gained, or have we given too much of ourselves?
Gopher, I'd like to say I have no clue what you're talking about, but it's all too familiar.
Oh no... I'm so very sorry. I've been there, and it sucks.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to ease your pain.
*Hugs*
And you know, it's hard for me to look at this photo, but I'm glad you posted it. It's hard for me to look at because I can SEE the pain and it's very rare for people to take photos during times like this. A+
As I said before, better to start over than to give up.
Hope you can see some sunshine from where you stand.
Oh babe, I'm just now reading this.
You deserve to exist wholly, to live fully. Fighting for that is a noble cause.
I'm hoping for healing for you, too - however things go.
sarah: Thank you, I know it's going to work out one way or the other.
ern: Kitten, thank you.
Mr. B.: I think we do bend to much too often. It's hard for me to look at that photo. I'm tempted to take it down.
c.k.: You presence here is tons of goodness for me, thank you for that.
Metro: There is light for the first time, I think we'll weather this storm...at least that's how it feels.
kalki: My other kitten, I appreciate you so much. Thanks for this.
holy hell - I'm behind... I'm so sorry --- for the pain. Before I say more, I obviously need to read up.
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