Where I Met HIV

I have to say that just in the last few days that I feel like a dam has been removed from my path. I have felt cut off for so long on here that I thought that I was losing even more of myself. What I was feeling was overly exposed to certain people that I'm not willing to talk about things with for reasons of my own.

I think it's hard to have your family and friends privy to too much information about what you think and feel. That's not to say that they can't stumble into here, I know that's still a possibility, but I know them and I know that they are not that adventurous. I have not told the Mister about this new site either and I know that has it's own repercussions. In my time I will open that avenue. I know that it's something I shouldn't keep entirely from him.

I think the first time that I had to deal with HIV as a reality was when I was in college. I had come down with a persistent fever that left me completely out of it for weeks. My doctor at the time was stumped. Every day I would run a low grade temperature, but then go up to 101 or so by 3 or 4pm each day. All I could do was sleep. At this time I was still in the closet, deep inside behind lots and lots of boxes. REALLY IN THE CLOSET!!! Okay so I think you get that now. I wasn't talking about anything remotely associated with being gay, but my doctor finally brought it up, and I caved. At this point my Dad and Mom were aware that I was not well. I was living with my cousin and she was worried too. A spinal tap had been arranged and I would need someone to take me home after. Mom insisted on being there (thankfully) and made sure I made it home. What she didn't know was that just prior to that my doc had arranged for blood work to be done too. She said I needed to tell my boyfriend what was up and that he should do the same.

I got home after the procedure, feeling wiped out, raging headache (side effect of the tap and fluid removal), I don't remember much but Mom kissing me good bye. At some point the fever broke, I woke up and the entire couch, me, my clothes and the pillow were soaked. I didn't know that you could sweat that much, but I did. All the tests came back negative for HIV and inconclusive for the tap. For several years after my doctor would comment on that time, dumb founded by what it was that caused that.

I only wish that things for my boyfriend at the time had been so good. As a result of that event, he discovered that he was HIV positive. It was tragic to say the least. Drugs were just being used at that time to suppress it, and fortunately, it worked on him. We didn't last much longer past that. There were other reasons other than health that we didn't last. I was still too new and closeted to be in that situation. It was a difficult time for me personally. He is still doing well and has someone in his life.

Since then I have been tested regularly do to the exposure I had experienced from that time. They say that it can take up to ten years for it to manifest. It usually doesn't take that long though. It is something that I live with everyday, the knowledge that it could come and get me. By some strange fate, I have not acquired this insidious beast. I have been spared, but not those that I have loved and love. I am a witness to their struggle.

I would give anything I could, if I thought that it would remove it from him. I would give anything to have him feel whole, clean. It's so hard sometimes to think about what the future holds. I know that nothing is finite or sure. Our doctor tells us that we have a full and healthy life ahead of us. Meds have been our best friend.

It's not a death sentence anymore. At least not if you live in the U.S., the same can not be said for others in less fortunate situations. I am still a strong supporter for One.org and I encourage you to do the same. I'm tired. I'm going to go now. Thank you for being here.